DBZ Condensed
by S-Michael
Summary: Forget what you THINK you know about Dragon Ball Z...this is what REALLY happened!


DBZ Condensed

S-Michael

_I'd like to apologize in advanced for the awkward formatting of the story and the lack of any sort of internal monologue. You see, when I originally wrote it on IMDb (and then again on Uncyclopedia), it was in script format, but as those of you who have actually read and understood the rules know, that is forbidden here. So, in order to not get censored by the goddamn admins (may you burn in hell), I've edited this. Hopefully, it doesn't infringe on the comedic value too much..._

One day, Goku was minding his own business, and randomly shouted out, "I am the strongest warrior on earth!"

Suddenly, Vegeta appeared out of nowhere, saying, "That's just because you're a Saiyan, and we're, like, a hundred times as strong as humans are, naturally."

"Okay, I can buy that," Goku said thoughtfully.

Added Vegeta: "Not being from earth, though, I can wipe the floor with you."

"Oh, BRING IT ON!!!!!!!" retorted Goku.

And so they fought. _(Did I mention that the fight scenes have absolutely no detail? Well, I did now!)_

"Hey, what do you know, I won, somehow," Goku said after the epic battle.

"I'm going to Namek so i can get the Dragon Balls and wish myself to be the greatest warrior in the universe!" Vegeta said as he escaped.

"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to Namek so i can get the Dragon Balls and wish back to life all of those friends of mine you killed," Goku retorted.

-

Frieza chuckled to himself. "The Dragon Balls are as good as mine," he said.

"Who the hell is that???" wondered Goku.

Vegeta explained, "That's Frieza. He's the strongest fighter in the universe. Basically, he could kick the ass of ten of me, and he pwnd our entire species."

"Okay, i can buy that," conceded Goku.

Vegeta added, "Also, he can destroy planets, all on his own and without aid of technology or anything."

"That seems a little implausible, the laws of the universe being what they are, but then, he _is_ the strongest fighter in the universe," conceded Goku. "Okay, I'll bite, but man, he better be the strongest opponent i ever face--and I mean, EVER!!!"

"...um, sure," said Vegeta.

Frieza snapped his fingers. "You, monkey, I feel like some cheap entertainment, so I'm going to kill you."

"Is he talking to ME? Man, how do these freaks find me?" complained Goku.

And so entailed another awesome fight that the author isn't going to describe for you. Man, what is he thinking?

"Hey, I just got ridiculously powerful, and I'm suddenly blonde for some reason," commented Goku.

"OMFG! You're a super-saiyan?! How did you do that? I've been trying for years! WTF is this bullshit?" demanded Vegeta.

Goku shrugged, saying, "Well, it makes about as much sense as anything else in this show. So, I'm the most powerful fighter in the universe now? Sweet. I guess that that means that the show is over. Ah, well. Time to go home."

"Can i come, too?" asked Vegeta. "My planet was destroyed."

Goku pondered. "Well, you _did _kill all my friends that one time, but what the hell? They're all alive again, anyway, so no harm, no foul, I suppose." And so they went back to Earth.

-

"Home sweet home," declared Goku upon his arrival on earth.

"Not so fast, monkey!" shouted Frieza, arriving on his starship.

"Hey, that hurts my feelings--and didn't I kill you?" complained Goku.

"I'm a cyborg now, and better than ever!" declared Frieza.

"Well, i guess i should have expected something like this to happen," said Goku, consigned to his fate. "I guess I ought to just be grateful my show isn't over yet, and just get on with kicking the crap out of this guy again."

And then, suddenly, Trunks came to the rescue! "That will not be necessary," he said. "I'll take care of these pests." And then Trunks totally PWND Frieza and his old man.

"Gee, thanks...but who the hell are you?" demanded Goku. "And how come you're so powerful? You just kicked the crap out of Super-Frieza and his papa," he pointed out.

"With ease," Trunks amended.

"Which only makes you _more_ implausible," Goku said.

"Oh, yeah, I'm, like, fifty times as strong as that loser," Trunks continued, ignoring him.

"Oh,_really?_ You're fifty times as strong as the guy who DESTROYS PLANETS with a wave of his pinky?" Goku asked incredulously. "This is getting REALLY ridiculous."

"That's not all, though: I'm from the future," added Trunks.

"...Of course you are," Goku said dryly. "Well, that makes more sense than everything else here."

"I actually came back to warn you about some evil robots that take over my future," Trunks explained.

"..._rreeeaalllyy???_ Something _you_ can't deal with???"

"Oh, yeah," confirmed Trunks. "They're, like fifty times as powerful as I am."

Goku exclaimed: "Goddamnit, what the hell is wrong with this show? Well, we're screwed."

"Nuh-uh!" said Trunks. "Just train really, really hard."

"And that's supposed to _work???_" demanded Goku. "Well, will you at least stay with us and train us?"

"Nope. I just remembered that I left some instant ramen on the stove in my time, and I've got to get back before it burns," Trunks said, and then he left just as suddenly and inexplicably as he had arived.

"...Freak," muttered Goku.

-

Three years pass in which, apprarently, nothing interesting happens. After all, why else would they skip over it? Anyway, three years after the meeting with trunks, Goku and the minor characters are awaiting the arrival of the androids. "Well, here we are. where are these freaks?" demanded Goku.

Android Nineteen and Android Twenty suddenly arrive. "You cannot defeat us!"

"Wanna bet?" asked Vegeta, who goes Super-Saiyan and quickly pwns them.

"Ooh, über-pwnage," shouted the onlookers.

Trunks suddenly arrived. "Hey, whats up?" he asked.

"We didn't need your stupid help to defeat these androids after all, future-boy," crowed Vegeta.

Trunks looked at the battlefield. "WTF? These aren't the androids! They're cheap knockoffs, probably made out of parts of old soviet tanks," he declared.

"You lied to us???" demanded Vegeta, going ballistic. "You think this is some sick game??? I am going to kick your ass, boy!"

"...This explains why i can't remember the first six years of my life," muttered Trunks in the face of Vegeta's aggression.

"Huh?" demanded Vegeta.

"Um, never mind," said Trunks. "Lets just go find the _real_ androids."

"Hey, look! That idiotic #20 is leading us right to them!" shouted Goku.

"You led them right to us, you idiot!" said Seventeen.

"Foolish old man," concurred Eighteen.

"Is that any way to talk to your master?" demanded Twenty. Seventeen and Eighteen dispose of Twenty in the blink of an eye.

"I'm sorry, were you saying something?" taunted Eighteen.

"Idiot," Seventeen concurred.

"Um, hello? Good guys over here, waiting to kick your ass," said Goku impatiently.

"Hi, I'm 17. I have a thing for ascots," Seventeen said by way of introduction.

"And I'm 18. I have a fetish for bald midgets I can kick the crap out of."

"Yo, I'm your man." said Krillin

"Awesome," said Eighteen.

"Bring it on! we've been training for three years to deal with you!" said Trunks.

"Did we mention that we're twice as strong as our counterparts from the other universe?" Seventeen asked rhetorically.

"Oh, fk," said Trunks. "Well, we can still take you on...right, guys?" And then they got pwnd. "Man, we got pwnd!" Trunks repeated what I just said.

"Well, we're screwed," Goku said.

"Nuh-uh!" countered Vegeta. "We'll just turn into Super-Super-Saiyans!"

"We can do that?" asked Goku.

"Sure, why not," said Vegeta off-handedly.

"Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?" praised Trunks.

"...retards," muttered Goku.

"Don't worry, I've got an idea!," said Piccolo, and he flew off.

"Hey, I wonder what his idea is?" Goku said.

Piccolo flew to Kame's place. "_Give me your power, old man!_" he demanded.

"No," replied Kame.

"I'll kick your fkn ass of you don't!" said Piccolo.

"Oh, alright," Kame changed his mind.

"Sweet. Time to kick some tin can," Piccolo made a bad pun, and then he flew back to where the others were before Mr. Popo could kill him. "What did I miss?"

"Nothing important," Goku said. "My son won the Nobel Peace Prize. Stuff like that."

"Chump," Piccolo scoffed. "Hey, androids, I'm going to kill you now."

"Ha! I'd like to see you try," taunted Seventeen. There followed yet another fight. Man, does anyone else notice how violent this show is? "Oh, crap, maybe he CAN win!" Seventeen panicked. Then he got his cool back. "...Maybe," he added arrogantly.

"Well, it looks like I'm no longer the hero of this story," said Goku, streatching. "Well, I'm outie boys. gonna smoke a cigarette and chill."

"NOT SO FAST!" shouted Cell.

"Oh, fk, who the hell is this character?" asked Goku, knowing he wasn't going to like the answer.

"I'm ten times as strong as the androids!" said Cell before he absorbed Seventeen. "And now I'm one hundred times as strong," he said after he absorbed Seventeen.

"Oh, I can't believe this shit." said Goku.

"C'mon guys, lets defend the androids," Tien said.

"Weren't we just trying to kill them?" pointed out Goku.

"If cell eats 18, we're all screwed," pointed out Tien.

"More screwed that we are already?" Goku asked rhetorically.

"Hey, Dad, remember the plot device," reminded Gohan.

"Oh, right, the hyperbolic time chamber. Lets go become even more ridiculously powerful than we are already," said Goku.

"Go ahead without me. I can hold him off," said Tien.

Goku knew that he was going to die. "'Kay. Good luck with that," he said.

-

The next day, Vegeta came out of the hyperbolic time chamber with Trunks. "Ha-ha! I have become a Super-Super-Saiyan! You owe me ten bucks, Goku!" he crowed.

"Goddamnit," muttered Goku. "I should have figured that the writers of this show are retarded. Someone tell me, seriously, how such a thing evolved into my species? What the hell kind of conditions did we face on planet vageta to warrant this sort of thing?

"I don't know, but if our planet still existed, I'd like to take you to see one of our many Majjin Buu reserves. They're an endangered species," said Vegeta. (The author would just like to take this opportunity to state that if you know what Majjin Buu is, you watched too much of this show.)

"...I'm going into the time chamber now," said Goku.

"You do that. Trunks and I are going Cell hunting. Just stay out of my way, Boy."

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Cell was hunting Eighteen. "I have finally found you, 18!" he declared upon finding her.

"Not so fast," said Vegeta. "I'm going to pwn you."

"As tho," said Cell, immediately before Vegeta pwns him. "Damn, he pwnd me! How did this happen? Hey, let me absorb 18 and become super-powerful."

"Uh, why would I do something stupid like that?" Vegeta asked rhetorically.

"Because you want an opponent who is in your caliber to fight," Cell said.

"Uh...no, I think I would rather not risk it," said Vegeta.

"I double-dog-dare you," said Cell.

"YOU'RE ON!!!!! eat the girl," said Vegeta. (Insert dirty joke here.)

And so Cell ate Eighteen. "Ha-ha! I'm a thousand times as powerful as I was before!"

"And now you die," said Vegeta, immediately before getting pwnd. "Damn! I knew this was a bad idea.

Trunks arrived, declaring, "Father, you horse's ass. Cell, I'll _kick_ your ass.

"Oh, really?" Cell asked mockingly.

"I'm a level above him! Watch this!" said Trunks, and then he transformed into a Super-Super-Super-Saiyan.

"Yeah, you're stronger than I am," Cell admitted.

"Bitchin'" declared Trunks.

"It doesn't matter, though," said Trunks.

"Why not?" whined Trunks.

"Try to move," instructed Cell.

"I'm too bulky!" realized Trunks. "Oh, what bull is this? Suddenly, this show cares about real-world considerations such as this? Try to be consistent, writers! This should have happened LONG before we became human WMDs. So unfair."

"You know what?" asked Cell. "I feel pity for you and your hilariously massive bulk, so I'm going to give you and your friends ten days in which to find some way to kill me. But don't say I never did anything for you."

"_Gee, thanks_," said Trunks sarcastically.

And so, ten days later, the Z warriors gathered in order to battle Cell, even though most of them were too weak to do anything at all. "So, you're going to fight me, Goku?" assumed Cell.

"Nah, I'm going to have my son fight you," said Goku.

"WHAT???" demanded Cell.

"WHAT???" demanded Gohan.

"WHAT???" demanded everyone else.

"That is the craziest, most retarded plan I ever heard of!" declared Gohan.

"And therefore, according to the Laws of Anime Physics, it can't possibly fail," Goku pointed out.

"Hmm, you have me there," Gohan admitted.

"That's right. Now go make your Daddy proud."

"What about my Nobel Prize?" asked Gohan.

"What about it?" asked Goku.

"Damn it, I hate this family. Alright, Cell, I guess I'm fighting you."

"Gohan, turn into a Super-Super-Super-Saiyan!" shouted Sixteen.

Cell destroyed him. "No comments from the peanut gallery," he delcared.

"You DICK!" shouted Gohan as he transformed into a Super-Super-Super-Saiyan. "I'm going to pwn you, and your retarded babies. I'll pwn you so bad, it's not even funny."

"But you can't move," crowed Cell.

"That's trunks you're thinking of," corrected Gohan. "Unfortunately for you, I'm not a dumbass like he is, so I did it the right way."

"Fk," said Cell, realizing that he was totally screwed. And then Gohan pwned him royally.

"Gohan, would you stop toying with him and just finish him off?" ordered Goku.

Cell then puked up Eighteeen, because that was just how badly he was getting pwnd. "I am so screwed. Well, might as well take the planet with me."

"No, wait! There's plenty of reasons to live," shouted Gohan.

"But you're mean to me," said Cell.

"Well, you _were_ trying to kill everyone I care about. C'mon, Cell..." pleaded Gohan.

Goku stepped in. "Enough of this touchy-feely shit." He grabbed Cell and Instant Transmission-ed him to King Kai's planet.

"Why the hell did you bring him _here???_" King Kai demanded, totally freaking out.

"Well, it was all I can think of," Goku said lamely.

"Don't think of here! Take him somewhere else," demanded King Kai.

"Oh, great, now that you said 'don't think of here,' that's all I can think of. It's like that 'don't think of the Eiffel Tower' game."

"Well, can't you at least get all of us back to Earth and out of harm's way?" asked King Kai desperately.

Said Goku, "Sure, I don't see why n—" and thats when Cell exploded.

"My dad is dead, and it's all my fault," Gohan bemoaned.

"No it's not, little buddy," Trunks comforted.

"I could have destroyed Cell in one shot, but instead I decided to torment him," Gohan said.

"Oh, then it is your fault," Trunks said. "But the rest of us are going to live happily ever after, right?" And then he gets shot.

"I bust a cap in your ass," boasted Cell.

"How can you possibly be alive???" demanded Gohan.

"Its called regeneration, kid," said Cell. "Also, I absorbed your father's ability to instantly transmit. I'm stronger than ever. I can destroy an entire solar system, just by willing it," he boasted.

"Dude, at this point, that's not saying much," Gohan said anticlimatically.

"How do you mean?" asked Cell.

"Scroll up to where trunks said he was fifty times as powerful as Frieza, a being who destroys planets in his free time, and do the arithmetic from there," Gohan instructed (but if you don't feel like it, he does it for you in the next sentence). "50 x 50 x 2 x 100 x 1000 500,000,000. Basically, you should be able to destroy something half a billion times as massive as the Earth itself at this point, with ease. In fact, you just made yourself weaker, if one solar system is all you can destroy."

"I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU FIRST!!!" shouted Cell as he attacked. And then Gohan killed him.

"Told ya," said Gohan. "Lets wish my dad back to life."

"No, you mustn't! If you do, the writers might start _yet another_ story arch!"

"Fk, he's right," Gohan realized. "Well, it was nice knowing you, dad."

"Well, here I go, off to my own future to kick android butt," said Trunks.

"Hey, if it only took us three years of training to become strong enough to defeat the androids, how come you couldn't do it in your entire natural life?" Gohan asked.

"...Um...you see...that is...there's a good reason for that...HEY LOOK AT THAT!!!" And then Trunks ran away.

"Son of a bitch," declared Gohan.

Meanwhile, in the afterlife, Goku was talking to King Kai. "Well, I'm dead, but at least the show is over," he said, looking on the bright side.

"Don't be too sure about that," King Kai said. "Look at this."

On Earth, Buu had arrived. "I'm strong enough to pwn Gohan, who pwnd Cell," he declared.

To which Goku, in the afterlife, had only one thing to say:

"SON OF A BITCH!!! THAT'S IT, SEND ME BAC"K TO EARTH!!! SEND ME TO THE HOUSES OF THE WRITERS OF THIS FKN SHOW WITH A FKN UZI!!!!!"

**El Fin**

Author's Commentary (As If You Care)

Well, What to say? Firstly, this is the first story I've published here that I've previously published elsewhere. It's also my first DBZ-related comedy, so I don't really have anything to plug. I mean, I _could_ plug _Distant Shores_ and _Breaking_, as they _are_ DBZ stories, but, frankly, those two stories are as different from each other (and each of them from this one) as matter and antimatter. Distant Shores is a drama and a romance, a touching and heart-felt story...while Breaking is a piece of smut that I'd remove if I had any shame.

You know something? I think that, in spite of my worries to the contrary before editing this, I actually made it _funnier_. One way or another, its pretty good, for a few hours' work. Anyway, I hoped you love it. Please R after all, if _you_ give _me_ a good review, _I'll_ give _you_ the antidote.


End file.
